Karen
July 6. 2009 15:26

I don't bribe my son, but I do offer positive reinforcement for positive behavior.  My son is 15 months old, so he's not yet super-rebellious.   However, he does have some behaviors that drive me absolutely crazy!  One I'm working hard to correct is throwing food on the floor when he doesn't want any or has had enough.  During each meal, we constantly talk with him - asking if he wants more, and sometimes telling him that he gets a special treat if he doesn't throw anything on the floor.  Some days he does really well; others not so much.

The bottom line, to me, is that I think offering an incentive to behave well when teaching children HOW to behave is not bribery.  Eventually, though, they do have to transition into behaving well without that incentive, which is why I don't offer the treats incentive during every meal time.  I want his positive behavior rewarded often enough that he *gets* the association, but not so often that he begins to feel entitled to it.

Since the main benefit to you is reduced chance of embarrassment, but the main goal is to teach proper behavior, I think the label "bribery" is really putting too negative a connotation on it.

Donna Chaffins
July 6. 2009 18:00

@Karen - I like to go the positive reinforcement route as well.  My son really is pretty well behaved.  However, he is terrified of storms and refuses to go out of the house if he thinks it might storm.  So we have actually bribed him a couple of times, when we had a family obligation.  I'm still not sure if it was really a bribe though... because, bless his little heart he cried and was so upset about going, he didn't care about the bribe.

Michael Di Leo
July 8. 2009 14:08

My daughter is two years old. I have not needed to bribe her to my recollection. However, I have had to divert her attention to other things when she is not acting how I wish or discipline her otherwise if she is acting out inappropriately. I did not learn this next part from my psychology class but when I took psychology I developed a more clear method to explaining how this works.

Children have an automatic nature to test boundaries. They don't only learn to behave. It is just as easy for a parent to teach a child to misbehave as well as behave, even if the "intention" of the parent's action is to get their child to behave.

For example:
   Johnny is a 3 year old boy. Tiffany, his mother and Rick, his father, both take Johnny to the grocery store alternatively. When at the store, Johnny sees something of interest such as candy and begins to whine for it. Tiffany tells her son no and he begins to cry loudly. Tiffany, to avoid feeling embarrassed, quickly gives Johnny the candy or bribes him with the candy to behave.
   This has done a few things. First off, Johnny has quieted down. Tiffany is happy with this result and will most likely do it again. However, she did realize that she has just set herself up for the future. Johnny did not get a message that he will get the candy for being good. He has learned that to get what he wants he can act out and he will further be bribed for better behavior. Most likely, Tiffany will have to do this very frequently if Johnny decides to act out each time they are at the store. Tiffany isn't a bad parent, but perhaps has just made a hasty decision to get a temporary desired result without understanding what the long-term affect would be.

   Johnny then goes with Rick to the grocery store. Johnny is now accustomed to his strategy with Tiffany. Like clockwork, when it comes time for check-out, Johnny points to the candy and says he wants it. Rick denies the request, which is followed by loud screaming and crying from Johnny that he wants the candy. Immediately, Rick lays a swift smack on the top of Johnny's hand. Shocked, Johnny pauses for a second. He may continue to cry some over the surprise of the discipline but will soon stop, realizing that this will not work for his father.
   Rick has just shown Johnny that the outburst will not be tolerated and that as the parent he is going to stand his ground. Johnny will most likely not create such problem nearly as often anymore, and each time may be less and less intense if it happens to continue, seeing as Johnny will soon learn that it just isn't going to work.

   Now, this isn't at all to say that mothers or fathers choose the decisions the same way as in this story. The only point is to provide the method of handling the situation and what short-term and long-term affects come by it. Bribing, in the short-term, may obtain better behavior, at least initially. In the long run, the bribes may have to be greater as the child will attempt to control what they are willing to behave for. Also, the parent may eventually need to bribe more often to obtain the behavior and the reward is no longer for good behavior, but a positive reinforcement for the bad behavior.
   The immediate discipline, although I still hate to spank my daughter on the hand (it kills me but it must be done and it works), must be done. The child must learn that you are not embarrassed by their behavior, that they only draw negative attention to themselves and it will not be tolerated.

   I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let yourself think that your child is embarrassing you. And especially more-so don't let your child know that they are embarrassing you if you are embarrassed. Stand your ground, however difficult it may be. Through discipline or ignoring their behavior they will learn that it's a waste of their own time. Everyone will encounter a crying baby some day. If it is yours that doesn't make you a bad parent. And spanking your child won't make you a bad parent either. Don't be afraid of what other people think and let that get in the way of doing the right thing as a parent. That's just as good as letting everyone else decide how your child is raised. Establish your values and what you would do at home, do in public. Likewise for what you do in public, do it at home. If you can't discipline your child the same in both environments then something is wrong with one of the two methods and you need to figure out which one fast before you confuse and possibly create emotional problem for the child. Not that beating a child is ever a correct thing to do, but a child is better off understanding that it will probably be frequently beaten than living on the edge with parents that seem loving and tender one minute and then violent and abusive the next.

I hope this helps =)